What 2019 has taught me

Only 5 days left until 2020!

I cannot believe how fast this year went by. It seems like only yesterday I was dreading 2019 and now it's already over. I'm in a way better mind-space now then I was at the beginning of this year.

I may not have gotten to begin university this year but by the Grace and Mercy of Allah, I shall be attending university next year and I am really excited and also nervous.

I'm not gonna lie, I wanted so badly to attend university this year but it was only now that I realised that Allah had a different plan for me and that was to... figure myself out.

What I hope that you, my friend, get out of this post is that it's okay if your life seems to be going in a direction that is completely different from what you intended. It may feel like your world is coming to an end in the beginning but I want you to remember that it's okay to feel like that for a while. But it won't always feel like that. You'll get back up. You will most definitely figure things out.

I was in a very bad place at the beginning of this year and it's all thanks to those in my life and Allah (obviously) that I am who I am now at the end of 2019. So, please surround yourself with those you love and people you know will help you. If you have to ever feel like how I did at the beginning of this year, and I pray you never feel that sad and pathetic, then please don't hesitate to talk about it to someone close; even if it's a stranger because sometimes it's better to talk to someone who doesn't know you and you don't know either.

This year taught me a good amount of lessons.

1. Patience:

Seeing as I took a gap year this year, I learnt patience.

Now my family may laugh if they read this but I'm being deadass right now, 100% serious.

I took up tutoring this year and I had absolutely no experience. The closest thing to tutoring that I've done is attempting to help friends before a test.

And out of all the subjects, I had to tutor Math because obviously, the only things kids don't understand is Math, a subject I happen to... struggle with, just like 90% of the population.

However, again through Allah's mercy, it was Math that I happened to know and enjoy.

The patience comes in when the kids don't know what the bloody hell you're saying.

They literally panic which is sad because you're 12, you should be playing outside or watching Disney movies, not stressing over long division. This education system needs to change because damn, no wonder the mental health in this country is going downhill.

And besides, it's even worse when even I don't know what the heck is going on but thank goodness for YouTube, am I right? It saves lives, mostly mine because I don't want to be the reason the child fails and get's even more stressed out.

I am not a patient person by nature and I'm glad I gained a little bit of patience. I'm going to need it for university too because I heard that things are just worse there. A girl just can't catch a break, y'all.

(* ￣︿￣)

2. Responsibility:

The upside of tutoring is that I got to earn some pocket money that I learnt was easy to spend, but not so easy to earn. I'd like to apologise to my parents if I have ever taken what they provide for me for granted because wow, budgeting is difficult (。_。).

I am still proud of myself because wow, I actually had self-control, mostly when it came to buying books because that was a difficult one. I still, however, bought a lot of books that I've always wanted and I am super proud of myself for that one :)

And let me just say that it is extremely satisfying to spend your own money, especially when you earned it. And you also appreciate things more because you know what it took to earn said money.

And independence is the best feeling in the world.

Nuff' said.

3. To Love:

This was a tricky one because I was generally a very negative person and well, although I could give love to those close to me, it was difficult to love and enjoy life. That's a terrible feeling but this year has thought me that the reason loving was so difficult for me was that I didn't love myself first.

And I don't mean my physical appearance, that'll take time... but rather, I mean my personality, my flaws, me.

Many people tend to pick out things about you that you have never noticed and when I say pick out, I mean to point it out as if it's something bad.

It is only this year that I learned that whatever was seen as bad or just weird, was actually what made me Faheema.

And when I started liking Faheema for all of her quirks and flaws, I started feeling happier and thus started loving life a little more.

This was an important lesson for me to learn and I hope you understand that it takes time to love yourself, especially when you have been broken down to a point where you don't think it's possible.

But just know that it is possible.

4. Expressing myself:

Okay so I've always enjoyed writing but I have learnt this year that I can express myself through drawing and painting too and that was like... a superpower to me because people who can like create scenery or a character from thin air are like the coolest people ever???!!!

But like everyone is cool in there own way I am just talking like with regards to the arts. I may not be able to just conjure something on paper or canvas through imagination but thank Allah for the internet, am I right? I'd honestly be useless without it (￣▽￣)"

But art helped me express myself a lot and I especially got to express my love to my friends because through painting, I figured that the gift would mean more. It also calms you down to just take photographs or paint or write or do something that allows some sort of an escape from the stress of the world. It is almost therapeutic in a way and helps you just pour out all of your emotions in a healthy way.

As long as you're doing something you love, that's all that matters because if it helps you achieve a sense of happiness and comfort, no opinion besides your own matters.

5. BE YOURSELF!!!:

Definitely an important one. I've learnt to finally be myself. When it comes to something important, I don't let others talk over me as if what they have to say is more important than what I have to because that's not fair.

I've learnt to express my opinions vocally because I realised that my opinion also matters.

I try not to let my social anxiety get the better of me and stop me from laughing out loud in public or just having a good time in general.

I've realised that:

People will always have their opinions about the type of person you are but the only opinion that matters is yours.

You are so wonderfully you and I hope you continue or start living that way.

So here's to 2020!

Another year of learning and celebrating the person you are.

Thank you for reading \(￣︶￣*\))

Please be sure to check out my Instagram for colourful bookish pictures and for just an overall good vibe ⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇

https://instagram.com/zestasia_reads

Remember to sprinkle kindness wherever you go 🤍

-zestasià